Helping children bereaved through suicide

Talking to Children about Death through Suicide:

“I wondered why the garage door was shut. No one was talking”. - (*Joanne Age 12) *Pseudonym

Suggestions for Helping Children Bereaved through Suicide:

It is hard to tell children that someone they love has killed themselves. But not telling children also causes difficulties with secrets in families. Sometimes we find it easier to tell older children, but not the younger ones. The child’s age will be a factor in how much they understand yet it is important to include all the children.

  • It is best that the children are told about the suicide by either a parent or someone very close to them. A parent may need the support of another adult in this phase.
  • Use clear, simple language. Use words like dead and killed himself/herself.
  • Don’t preface information with “be brave”, “don’t cry”, “you’ll be sad”.
  • Allow for a range of emotions, e.g. sadness, shock, fear confusion, anger, rejection, curiosity, apparent disinterest.
  • Go from known to unknown “Do you remember when I told you….” Or “Do you remember how sometimes daddy was very quiet and sad….”
  • Do not use euphemisms such as “gone to sleep”, “gone away”. It confuses the child and can arouse anxieties about sleep.
  • Allow for giving more information later. Create an atmosphere in which the child feels comfortable about asking questions and expressing emotions.
  • Talk about how life ended, e.g. “He put gas into the car. This made him go to sleep. Then the gas made him stop breathing. When he couldn’t breathe he died.” Or “He put a rope around his neck and let it get so tight that he couldn’t breathe anymore. When he stopped breathing he died.”
  • Emphasise that the illness meant he/she wasn’t thinking clearly. That mum/dad couldn’t think of another way out of the pain. Also emphasise that there is always another way. Talking about problems helps.
  • Remind the child they are not to blame. Feeling guilty and responsible are very common responses after suicide. Arguments and difficulties in relationships are not reasons why people kill themselves.
  • Children, particularly younger children usually ask questions about the details of the suicide. This may be difficult for you to answer but it does help the child to come to terms with the death. Be prepared to answer the same questions again and again.
  • If possible the child should see the body. Like all funerals explain to the child in advance what will happen.
  • Once the child knows about the cause of death, the older child may/ may not have concerns about what to say to friends. If this is an issue help them to find words to say what they are comfortable with.
  • It’ also okay to say “I don’t know” or “We really don’t know why.”
  • Get support for yourself.
  • Allow for a range of emotions and responses. Children often go and play after hearing traumatic news. It is their way of digesting the news.
  • Younger children are more concerned about the absence of the person who died, but do include them in how mum/dad died.
  • Children need to know that the person who died did love them. Explain to the child that because of the illness they may not have been able to let the children know that.
  • Children also need assurances that the adults in their life will take care of them. Take up any offers of support you get to help out, particularly those days you feel like not going on.
  • Know you can survive – so can your children.
  • Grief work is draining – keep a balance in your life.
  • Do not hesitate to seek professional help if you are concerned or need help in talking to your children about suicide.
Taken from: Donnelly, P. (2001). Someone to talk to – A Handbook on Childhood Bereavement. Dublin. The National Children’s Resource Centre – Barnardos.