Coping Grieving is a unique, lonely and extremely painful process yet it is important that each works through at their own pace and within their own time frame. Giving oneself permission to mourn, grieve and receive help from others can bring comfort and solace. Here are some areas in which the bereaved person can ‘grieve well’: Self-expression Physical self-care Emotional self-care One of the key elements of healthy grieving is allowing emotions to surface in order to work through them. When ignored, grief causes pain that is sometimes so excruciating that people want to numb and escape it through alcohol or medications. Avoiding or blocking the grieving process prevents the natural return to interest and meaning in life that follows grief. Take care of yourself through self-expression Talk. You deserve to express yourself at this difficult time, even though others may discourage you as they may feel helpless faced with the magnitude of your loss and grief. Don’t suppress your grief to spare others distress. Keeping silent, hiding your feelings about the suicide, and punishing yourself prolongs the grief. Find someone that is a good listener within your own family, friends or through accessible services such as counselling or support groups. Tears. Tears release the flood of sorrow. Feelings. Allow yourself your feelings as they are not neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’. They are just feelings. They are ALL normal. Write. Start writing in a diary which may help you to work through your emotions. You may want to compose a letter to the deceased person to describe how you feel and ‘say’ things you never got to say. Create. You may want to create a special memory or photo album including some memorabilia or symbolic items to honor the memory of your loved one. In the process, your thoughts and feelings may become clearer. Remember. People bereaved through suicide suffer a great loss and personal trauma. Allow yourself the time you need to heal. Also, remember that people grieve differently, with varied levels of intensity and for different lengths of time. Learn. Find out more about the complexities of suicide. Read books, search the internet, and talk to others that are bereaved. Those bereaved through suicide are in a higher-risk group for taking their own lives. This can be prevented by knowing what feelings are normal to expect. If you are having thoughts of suicide, tell someone and find help. Take good physical care of yourself Get enough sleep. A regular sleep routine will be of benefit. If you are tired during the day, give yourself a chance to sit or lie down. Resting your body will help your emotional recovery. Avoid chemicals. Though you may crave a chemical to help you get through this painful time, try your best to steer clear of substances like alcohol, caffeine, nicotine because their side effects can be unhelpful in the long-term. For instance, alcohol is a depressant that magnitudes an already depressed state of mind. Exercise regularly. If you are physically able, take a walk in the morning or at lunchtime. Choose something that will motivate you to get out of bed. Whether you feel like it or not, get some sort of physical exercise every day. Eat well. Even if it’s the furthest thing from your mind, pay attention to the quality of what you eat. Take the time to eat nutritious meals including fruit and vegetables even though you may not feel like cooking. Take care of yourself emotionally Forgive. The death of someone you love brings an end for opportunity to communicate. You may be reminded of the need to forgive that person for a past hurt and forgive yourself for something you did or did not say or do. Perhaps you wish you had done more at the time. Guilt can turn to regret through forgiveness. Plan ahead. Anniversaries and holidays may bring their own particular feelings. You may feel especially emotional a year after your loved one has died, on their birthday or another significant marker. Attending an event such as a graduation, wedding or funeral can be difficult. This is a completely normal reaction. In order to prepare, talk to someone that you trust and can talk to. They may be able to support you through this difficult time. Get the support you need. There are people who want to help you work through your feelings of grief such as friends, family, bereavement counsellors and support groups. Therefore: Accept help that feels good. Tell people who want to help how they can best help you at this time. One of the most helpful things may be to prepare healthy meals for you or join you during physical activity such as going for a walk together. Some people can take time to listen and hold you as you cry. A good friend might even laugh with you, in the midst of your pain. It is important to have an outlet for sharing grief, even for people that do not usually talk about or share their feelings. Sometimes, knowing that others have had similar experiences and can understand will make you feel less alone with your pain. Many suicide support groups exist giving people the opportunity to meet others which can provide the safety and understanding to help you cope. You will know how far you’ve come when you can share your pain with others and know the possibility of recovery. Know you can Survive Know you can survive. You may not think so but you can. Struggle with ‘why’ it happened until you no longer need to know ‘why’ or until you are satisfied with partial answers. Know that you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are normal. Guilt, anger, confusion and forgetfulness are common responses. You are not crazy; you are in mourning. Be aware you may feel inappropriate anger at the person, at the world, at God, at yourself. It’s okay to express it. You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. Guilt can turn into regret through forgiveness. Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on these thoughts. Remember to take one moment or one day at a time. Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone when you want to talk. Don’t be afraid to cry. Tears are healing. Give yourself time to heal. Remember the choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another’s life. Expect set backs. Emotions can return like a tidal wave but you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece. Try to put off major decisions. Give yourself permission to get professional help. Be aware of the pain of friends and family. Be patient with yourself and with others who may not fully understand. Set your own limits and learn to say no. Steer clear of people who want to tell you how and what to feel. Know that there are support groups that can be helpful. Call on your personal faith to help you through. It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief such as headaches, loss of appetite, inability to sleep. The willingness to laugh at yourself and others is healing. Wear out your questions, anger, guilt, or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Taken From: Bolton, I. (1993). My Son...My Son...A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide. Atlanta: Bolton Press.